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Happy at Home

Your Safe Space

Your query about relationships, life in general or concerns at workplace.
This is a Safe Space to ask questions/seek support about your problems, anonymously, even I won’t know who you are. So, ask your questions and try to give a bit of a background too. Whether you are 20 or 90, man or woman this space is for you. 3 questions will be answered every month and published here. They will be answered by me and other seasoned leadership coaches.
*You will be given a perspective through stories / real life examples. Please don’t expect direct advice / steps to take.  Only a few selected questions will be answered. Kindly refrain from using language that may hurt anyone.

Thanks for submitting your query! 




"Hi Sheeja, I have taken up a managerial post, but somehow I don't feel confident in my post. I want to be firm and strict but i am unable to do so. I feel people take undue advantage of me being good to them. I want to be a good leader but i think i lack leadership qualities. How do I work on it ? Please help."

Hello There!

Congratulations on the new role! Yes, the new role does come with the responsibilities of leadership, how exciting!
While the position comes with it’s power, the authority to exercise that power has to be granted to you by the team. No amount of strictness or firmness will give you a team that trusts in you to lead them.  
This authority is granted to someone we look upto and trust.
So, close your eyes and take a deep breath and reflect, who in your life do you look up to and trust. Who in your life do you give the authority to guide you or reprimand you or even to tell you you messed up?
Now, think of this person’s qualities, what about that person makes you trust him/her so deeply and how did it all start?
You will notice, this person has a deep care for what you care about. They know you and show a keen interest in wanting to know more about you. They understand your fears and dreams. They know what makes you tick and what barriers you may face.
And when they work from this position of care, it becomes easy for you to trust them and give them the authority to guide you.
I invite you to do the same with your team. Look at them as partners who will work with you to achieve the goal and go out of your way to understand what they care about with the intention to support them achieve what they want.
About developing leadership qualities, look out for long term training programs or hire a leadership coach who will help you embody leadership and be with you as you implement it in your life.

Love and warmth,
Sheeja Shaju
"My husband has left the house a month back leaving me and my 2kids alone. He is asking for mutual divorce. I want him to come back home and stop all legal proceedings."
Thank you for your request. I can feel the despair and I imagine that fear & confusion ebb & flow amidst the range of so many uncomfortable emotions. 

For many, reaching out for help is overwhelming. I commend you for the courage, love, & compassion that fueled your message. 
I am going to invite you to pause a moment, close your eyes to bring your attention within, place your hand on your heart & ask yourself “what is in my power to take care of today?” Trust that your body, specifically your heart, knows the answer. Give your body time to respond honestly. Take a few minutes or more if needed. Be with that. 
After settling in what is so for you, pause, close your eyes and ask “what is in my power to take care of now?”
I invite this reflection as an intervention to common reactions to loved ones leaving. The tendency is to worry, overanalyze & think of all the historical events that could’ve gone differently. Anger & shame often accompany this cycle. You have the power & ability to take care of what needs to be taken care of. From this place of knowing imagine the different scenarios that exist to invite your husband into an exploratory conversation. Bring curiosity. 
You may feel the pull to attach to a specific outcome. The actual outcome may be different from what you want. When entering in non-attachment & curiosity, new possibilities emerge. 
Although uncomfortable, this is an opportunity to model trusting your power & generating new possibilities for your kids & others you unknowingly & knowingly influence in your life. 

Love to you & the force that you &, all of us have the ability to tap into, it’s merely a matter of attention & intention,
Andrea Bordenca

"I'm am having anxiety issues panic attacks and depression. I'm unable to heal from the past trauma and holding grudges with age old stories. Please guide me to heal and let go.”

Thank you for your question. The fact that you have opened up speaks to your courage. This question has many moving parts and each has to be looked into as separate and interlinked issues. In my experience, I can say that it always goes back to childhood deep issues and the narratives we have been fed and what we have fed ourselves.
Panic attacks and depression are symptoms of the root cause of fear. You have also mentioned past trauma and that could involve trauma on a mental, physical psychological, emotional, and sexual level. You also talk about age-old stories which are basically narratives and holding grudges that have their roots in Self-forgiveness, are you able to forgive yourself for your mistakes? These issues are all so layered that I would advise a consult with a good counselor or coach who can be your guide and handhold you through the healing journey you have ahead of you.
Like you have said - Healing the trauma in all your 10 bodies, the 3 mental and 1 emotional and 6 energetic bodies will release it completely, so perhaps start off with a combination of cellular energy release therapy with talk therapy and then finally coaching and you should finally let go of all that isn't worthy of you. 

Much love and healing
Avril Quadros


"My husband and me don't get along. We have been married 10 years now. It was a love marriage. He just does not understand what I want. I have tried speaking to him several times. He is pretty adamant on not changing. I am on the fringe of leaving him. But unable to think clearly. What should I do?" 

10 years is a lovely time :).
Always remember - Energy follows attention. What I see here is, you want him to change. Your attention currently then is on his wrongs, his shortcomings, his reasons to behave the way he does, things he does wrong and all you can then see are his flaws. 
We as humans go looking for what we want to see and then we see only what we are looking for. I am inviting you to question that bit and try something different.​
Here's my invitation -
-Can you go looking for some good in him and only good? Try this for a few days, consciously only look for good in the man and even make a note of it.
-Reflect on good memories you have had with him and how your body feels.
-Connect with what he needs and cares about
-Notice how your energies are around him when you only see good in him

When you pay attention to something good in him your energies will be diverted there and with time it will become easier to look for good in him. You may then notice your energies and conversations changing and he and others may start noticing it. From this space, you will be able to see and experience things differently. 

Love and warmth, 
Sheeja Shaju 


"I am stuck in life. I have been working for more than 20 years now. I am earning decently, I have a decent designation and I have been getting excellent ratings too but I have not had a promotion in more than 5 years. I am feeling stuck and am not understanding how to proceed."

Congratulations on your 20 years of work and I assume you are fairly successful too :)
I had a coachee who was in a similar space. Here's what I invited him into - Take a deep breath and smile! Now take a short step back and have a fresh look at everything you have achieved thus far. Acknowledge yourself and feel gratitude for who you are, how you have grown over the years and how you have supported your near and dear ones in their journey of life.
From this space of accomplishment and gratitude now look at what is it that you want to create in life and what will make you feel alive. 
He took a weekend to himself and indulged in 'me' time and reflected on the above. By the end of it he was clear - He wanted to retire at a much higher designation and was not ok being overlooked at the current organisation. 
Ofcourse, being his coach I supported him in making him ready for the next set of conversations he would have with the leaders in his organisation and also to chart out his personal growth path.
But the one thing I would like to highlight here is - If you want to change a relation, change your conversations. And a lot of times it starts with conversations with yourself! 

Love and warmth

Sheeja Shaju 
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