The Illusion of Control! By Sheeja Shaju

Your child comes home with his report card, yet again a low percentage. You worry, will he ever get better? How will he be able to perform in the competitive exams, how will he get a job, his future is at stake!! 

You are nearing the financial year end and looks like you will be missing your targets this year again. You worry about the future. How will you manage the bills, how will you manage the take home, how will you work on your savings and all the travel plans you wanted.

What is the worry about?

We humans want to control the future. We want the future to unfold in a particular way, so we worry. We go in an over drive of thoughts and get stressed. Some people worry as if that’s their part-time job! They feel, if they don’t worry how are they connected. They believe, if they don’t worry they won’t think towards the resolution!

But here’s the truth, worry comes from wanting to control a future.

A future, that is and cannot be in our control.

But we humans thrive on control.And we don’t realise, control is an illusion.

Control is a strong word. It has the power to mend or break a relationship. It has the power to uplift or diminish a human.

Control means the ability to exercise power or influence over someone else.It means overpowering someone outside of us/apart from us.

But do we really have control over anyone outside of us? Think about it.

The answer according to me is a big NO. Let’s look into this..

Can you control what the other thinks? No. Every human is free to think and feel what they wish to think. We cannot get into the others’ mind and change that. At best we can influence it to think in a particular direction.

Can you control how they will act? No

If your child misbehaves, you may feel it’s your duty to ‘control’ their actions. You can reprimand or speak calmly but finally they will do what they wish to. What behavior they want to choose they will choose. At best, your actions can influence them to think a particular way.

If your team does not think beyond the level they operate at, youcan try ‘control’ the situation with new processes or structures, but those are bandaids. Finally, how much they want to adapt and use is their choice!

When we see people littering, you may worry about clean surroundings. You may try to advise them or go into blame about the lack of civic sense but they will choose their actions for themselves!

When you see people breaking traffic rules, you may worry about safety. You may try to reprimand them and maybe even get into fights. And yet all of that may not stop them from driving recklessly again!

So, does worrying about the future (that we can’t control), change the inevitable? No. But it does make us less capable of handling it better.

Because when you worry you are sending your energies into a future that you cannot control. That is depletion of your current capacity. When your capacity right now is less, how can you take actions from a clear grounded space? 

The Good News!

The reality is that the only thing we can control is our own thoughts and our actions.

Thoughts will come randomly but you have control over allowing them to enter your mind! Be the gatekeeper of your thoughts. Allow only those which serve you to enter. Be selective.

When worrying thoughts come, drop them and know what has to happen will happen. By you worrying you are not adding one more second in your life, infact you may just be depleting it. Neither are you in anyway controlling the future.

Remind yourself of things you have achieved, the emotions you felt then, you made it this far, you will make it ahead.

Remember, whatever should happen, will happen.

Whatever couldn’t happen wouldn’t happen.

Worry stems from a deep need to control and when we see we can’t control anything, what is the use of worrying?